So here is the info for my Tumblr account. If I say myself, tumblr is pretty sweet :) so, enjoy
http://colbi-wankenobi.tumblr.com/
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tumblr account
I've noticed that Tumblr is a more popular blog site and that most of my friends are on there as well. So, I am going to open an account on there but fear not, I will post here as well (even though noone gives a damn :P ) so I'll post the info here in a few days
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Stupid Child (lyrics)
DISCLAIMER: This contains language that might be offensive to some
I am a victim of age
always underestimated
always avoided
never taken seriously
I am innocent
I am fucking ignorant
you're so damn cute they say
you're not one of us
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes I have a ninja turtles belt
but I think it's turtley awesome
if I do say so myself
and I have a Donatello belt buckle
to match it as well
....but that's just me
so immature they say
you're still just a child, anyway
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes, I may be young
but age is just a number
so I ask you
why treat me below the others?
I've been bloodied, I've been beaten
physically and emotionally scarred
but considering this young age
I've gone pretty far
I am a victim of age
always underestimated
always avoided
never taken seriously
I am innocent
I am fucking ignorant
you're so damn cute they say
you're not one of us
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes I have a ninja turtles belt
but I think it's turtley awesome
if I do say so myself
and I have a Donatello belt buckle
to match it as well
....but that's just me
so immature they say
you're still just a child, anyway
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes, I may be young
but age is just a number
so I ask you
why treat me below the others?
I've been bloodied, I've been beaten
physically and emotionally scarred
but considering this young age
I've gone pretty far
Saturday, June 12, 2010
What do you want from me?
Yes, I just quoted an Adam Lambert song haha. That's the sentence that keeps circling inside my brain. I'm so confused right now that I can't think straight. I keep asking questions that I didn't think I would ask. Why am I confused you ask? I'll inform you.
I have a close friend of mine. Let's just call her Aly. So me and Aly have known each other for about 6 months. We are really close friends. She was there when my ex-fiancee dumped me and I was in an emotional limbo. She talked to me all the time and got my confidence back and stronger. I did the same for her. We've been there for each other through alot in the small amount of time we've known each other.
I started to develop feelings for her after I was dumped. She just had so many qualities that I like. She's independant, she gives me the time of day, she is willing to come here (where in the past, I was always going out there with previous relationships), she is just a great friend. I told her how I felt and she told me she didn't want anything. I was fine with it because we're really comfortable with each other. I just brushed it off my shoulder and said "no big" and we just went on to being friends. I put my feelings on the back burner and I thought I was fine with where we were....until last night.
She was out with some friends and drinking alittle bit. She started texting me. She was talking about this guy she was interested in. I thought my feelings for her were now in the friend zone but I was mistaken. My jealousy just instantly kicked in. She called me and started talking. I was really somber when I was talking to her. She later asked me in a text
"are you mad at me?"
I wasn't really mad. Just kinda sad I think is the appropriate word. I just texted back
"don't worry. It's nothing :P"
One thing that sucks about her is that she can read me like a book. A children's book. We're talking Dr. Seuss here. I seriously can't hide squat from her. So she called me and she was kinda ticked at me :P I lied. I told her I was upset from other women leading me on. So, she did something she has NEVER done, she drove here drunk to see me.
P.S. I did NOT support this! I told her to stay there but she wouldn't hear it.
She got here around 4 AM. Things got....interesting from there. Before I continue, let's rewind alittle. When I told her how I felt, I also asked how she would feel about us kissing. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable because she thinks that would ruin the friendship. NOW, we're continuing.
She at once got on my bed, pulled me up and started kissing me VERY passionately. I was shocked...very shocked. She told me she didn't want that and here she is pulling me in. After awhile, I realized she was getting frisky and we needed to slow down or else things could get bad.
We started talking and she could tell that I lied. I don't know how the heck she does it but she just knew. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was really lame telling her I was jealous. Regardless, I did.
I was really honest and just cut the BS. I told her.
"I was jealous because you were talking about a guy. I shouldn't be jealous though because we're just friends and that's it. I do have feelings for you but I know you don't want anything but when you were talking about this guy I got jealous."
She asked me why I got jealous and I couldn't answer because I couldn't word it right. She knew exactly how to word it though.
"Are you afraid this guy is going to take your place?"
I nodded.
"He stopped talking to me. Your place is safe"
It made me feel good to know that I wasn't in any danger of losing my stature in her eyes. We kissed again except this time, I made the first move. She was completely ok with it. She kissed me back (don't worry it wasn't intense like when she first started.) and it felt like there was a connection. To me, kisses shouldn't be thrown around like they are today. I think they should be treated like sex. They need to be given to people who actually matter. This was one of those times. It was a more romantic kiss than the earlier one she gave me. It was calm, gentle, passionate.
Today, we talked and I asked her why she kissed me. She didn't have an answer. She hasn't talked to me since I asked that and now I'm confused. Really confused. I think it was the alcohol talking but at the same time, I don't. I used to be involved with drinking in my younger years before I joined the church. There's a saying and it goes like this "drunken words are sober thoughts" so does that go the same for actions? Does she have feelings for me as well? Has she stopped talking because she doesn't want to tell me? I don't know and now I'm stuck in emotional purgatory. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel. It's agonizing. It's like a mosquito bite that keeps itching. You don't want to bother with it because it will get worse but even just leaving it alone it drives you insane just as much as scratching it does.
What does she want from me?
I have a close friend of mine. Let's just call her Aly. So me and Aly have known each other for about 6 months. We are really close friends. She was there when my ex-fiancee dumped me and I was in an emotional limbo. She talked to me all the time and got my confidence back and stronger. I did the same for her. We've been there for each other through alot in the small amount of time we've known each other.
I started to develop feelings for her after I was dumped. She just had so many qualities that I like. She's independant, she gives me the time of day, she is willing to come here (where in the past, I was always going out there with previous relationships), she is just a great friend. I told her how I felt and she told me she didn't want anything. I was fine with it because we're really comfortable with each other. I just brushed it off my shoulder and said "no big" and we just went on to being friends. I put my feelings on the back burner and I thought I was fine with where we were....until last night.
She was out with some friends and drinking alittle bit. She started texting me. She was talking about this guy she was interested in. I thought my feelings for her were now in the friend zone but I was mistaken. My jealousy just instantly kicked in. She called me and started talking. I was really somber when I was talking to her. She later asked me in a text
"are you mad at me?"
I wasn't really mad. Just kinda sad I think is the appropriate word. I just texted back
"don't worry. It's nothing :P"
One thing that sucks about her is that she can read me like a book. A children's book. We're talking Dr. Seuss here. I seriously can't hide squat from her. So she called me and she was kinda ticked at me :P I lied. I told her I was upset from other women leading me on. So, she did something she has NEVER done, she drove here drunk to see me.
P.S. I did NOT support this! I told her to stay there but she wouldn't hear it.
She got here around 4 AM. Things got....interesting from there. Before I continue, let's rewind alittle. When I told her how I felt, I also asked how she would feel about us kissing. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable because she thinks that would ruin the friendship. NOW, we're continuing.
She at once got on my bed, pulled me up and started kissing me VERY passionately. I was shocked...very shocked. She told me she didn't want that and here she is pulling me in. After awhile, I realized she was getting frisky and we needed to slow down or else things could get bad.
We started talking and she could tell that I lied. I don't know how the heck she does it but she just knew. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was really lame telling her I was jealous. Regardless, I did.
I was really honest and just cut the BS. I told her.
"I was jealous because you were talking about a guy. I shouldn't be jealous though because we're just friends and that's it. I do have feelings for you but I know you don't want anything but when you were talking about this guy I got jealous."
She asked me why I got jealous and I couldn't answer because I couldn't word it right. She knew exactly how to word it though.
"Are you afraid this guy is going to take your place?"
I nodded.
"He stopped talking to me. Your place is safe"
It made me feel good to know that I wasn't in any danger of losing my stature in her eyes. We kissed again except this time, I made the first move. She was completely ok with it. She kissed me back (don't worry it wasn't intense like when she first started.) and it felt like there was a connection. To me, kisses shouldn't be thrown around like they are today. I think they should be treated like sex. They need to be given to people who actually matter. This was one of those times. It was a more romantic kiss than the earlier one she gave me. It was calm, gentle, passionate.
Today, we talked and I asked her why she kissed me. She didn't have an answer. She hasn't talked to me since I asked that and now I'm confused. Really confused. I think it was the alcohol talking but at the same time, I don't. I used to be involved with drinking in my younger years before I joined the church. There's a saying and it goes like this "drunken words are sober thoughts" so does that go the same for actions? Does she have feelings for me as well? Has she stopped talking because she doesn't want to tell me? I don't know and now I'm stuck in emotional purgatory. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel. It's agonizing. It's like a mosquito bite that keeps itching. You don't want to bother with it because it will get worse but even just leaving it alone it drives you insane just as much as scratching it does.
What does she want from me?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Just a little rant..
People do this to me all the time and to be honest, it drives me up a damn wall! What is it you ask? I hate hate HATE when people treat me like a kid just because I'm 19. I understand, yes I am young but have you really got to know me? Have you asked me what I've had to deal with? Have you heard the stories about what I did when I was younger? NO you haven't.
It drives me completely nuts when people say stuff like "oh, you're just a kid" or "you're young, you wouldn't understand". It makes me want to punch them in the nose. It's total BS that I get treated like I'm inferior and stupid just because of my age. Age is just a number it doesn't tell you anything about a person or what their maturity is like.
Yes, I am really hyperactive and have alot of energy. Yes, I have ADHD and that may come off as childish. Yes, I still enjoy childhood nostalgia like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Toy Story but does that mean I'm a child? I don't know, why don't you ASK ME ABOUT IT?!
I think people need to ask me what I've had to go through in my life before they just assume I'm a naive child who doesn't know jack shit and is ignorant in the ways of the world because I can guarantee you that I am not. and don't you DARE call me stupid from it. Considering my academic achievements, hell no I'm not stupid. So don't pin that on me just because of a number.
Rant over. Go die
It drives me completely nuts when people say stuff like "oh, you're just a kid" or "you're young, you wouldn't understand". It makes me want to punch them in the nose. It's total BS that I get treated like I'm inferior and stupid just because of my age. Age is just a number it doesn't tell you anything about a person or what their maturity is like.
Yes, I am really hyperactive and have alot of energy. Yes, I have ADHD and that may come off as childish. Yes, I still enjoy childhood nostalgia like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Toy Story but does that mean I'm a child? I don't know, why don't you ASK ME ABOUT IT?!
I think people need to ask me what I've had to go through in my life before they just assume I'm a naive child who doesn't know jack shit and is ignorant in the ways of the world because I can guarantee you that I am not. and don't you DARE call me stupid from it. Considering my academic achievements, hell no I'm not stupid. So don't pin that on me just because of a number.
Rant over. Go die
Sunday, June 6, 2010
A silver lining
Now most of you know, I was dating a girl for about 9 months. It was my longest relationship I've ever had. If you want to go deep into this, I was dating her longer. We just didn't call it official until August last year. About two months ago, she dumped me. She said it was in my best interest, that she wasn't good for me, it's not you it's me bullcrap. Of course, this being the girl I spent three years of my life on, hell yes I was upset. I was freakin crushed. I was blaming myself for it and I was angry that she just left me because I did ALOT for her!
The list goes on and on with the favors I did
The list goes on and on and on. Yet, she never showed appreciation. Sure the first few months were fantastic. Then, she changed.. She changed for the worst and that girl I fell for ceased to exist. It was rough because I wanted to end it when that happened. I wanted to break it off but I was hoping somewhere inside that hollow shell there would be the girl I once knew. Sadly, there wasn't. It was really painful. She never said "I love you" anymore and that really made me feel underappreciated after I'll I've done. Our visits became more and more scarce. Until, they just didn't happen at all because she would always flake. It would be a miracle if she didn't.
Then back in March-ish, she dumped me. I felt as though life were over. I just sat in bed all day staring into space as if I were in a coma with my eyes open. I would occasionally get up to put on some sad music. It brought some comfort but not much. I felt pretty miserable. I think I can safely say this was one of the few times I used the word "depressed". Then, things made a huge turnaround.
Everysince she has dumped me, I've had women to talk to and date left and right. I lost alot of self-esteem and confidence in the relationship but then seeing as there were these women who wanted to get to know me and give me the time of day really brought it back. I started going out more than I ever have. Nearly every night it was something different with someone different.
I am by nature, a total camera whore. I LOVE taking pictures and posting them. I've posted a few of the pictures with these girls on my Facebook. There's quite a few of them and they're quite the cuties ;) after about two weeks of this, I got a text from my ex.
"maybe I made a mistake.." I got that around 9 AM I was out late and was sleeping in. When I don't answer my texts, she texts me more and more
"let me come back to you :( please.." were one of the many different things that she said. I had hope, I was hoping to get back to where we were. BUT, I was thinking clearly and I took a look at the past few months of the relationship. I was giving 110% and she wasn't even giving me 5% so why would I bother? It would still be the same heartache. I also looked at how I've been feeling now.
I'm alot more happy than I used to. I don't worry about her 24 hours of the day, I'm getting more sleep, I did alot better in school, it made me want to go on my mission that much more, I have *gasp* CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!! So I did what I knew what was right, even if it did hurt to say at the time
"no" is what I told her.
"...why? :(" was the response.
"because. I was treated very poorly when I was with you. I don't deserve that especially after everything I have ever done for you. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you. You flaked on me, barely talked to me, hell we were dating for 9 months, and we've known each other for 3 years and yet, you were too ashamed to introduce me to your parents" I gave her quite the earfull :P
I turned her down and I actually feel pretty good now. For the past three years, I was ALWAYS worried about her. People thought I was just being somber but no, I was concerned about her and worried out of my mind. I feel as though there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have smiled alot more, I feel good about myself, I look in the mirror now and say "you're a good guy" and now, I can pursue women who are more in my interest. Ones who I won't have to babysit, one who won't be ashamed to show me to their parents, ones who will let me know how she feels instead of me having to force it out of her.
So, in looking at this, I realized that this was a huge blessing in disguise. I think God tore me down to build me up higher and it's true, I've grown so much because of it. I'm very happy that me and her are over. So, in the words of the most awesome band Trivium
"and now I see it's you that's tearing me, ensaring me. This is me dying in your arms I cut you out and set me free. You poisoned my life, so I take this knife and I cut you out!"
The list goes on and on with the favors I did
- Stuck through her when she had cancer........TWICE
- Got her shampoo to help her hair grow back
- Put together a diet to get her healthy again
- Rode that godawful 2.5 hour bus ride out to her city out in BFE and back. (NOTE: and she only returned the favor twice when I went numerous times.)
- cooked for her (and I'm awful at cooking)
- Drove her to the Dr.
- Gave her money when she needed it
- Gave her clothes to keep her warm
- Gave her the time of day when nobody else would.
The list goes on and on and on. Yet, she never showed appreciation. Sure the first few months were fantastic. Then, she changed.. She changed for the worst and that girl I fell for ceased to exist. It was rough because I wanted to end it when that happened. I wanted to break it off but I was hoping somewhere inside that hollow shell there would be the girl I once knew. Sadly, there wasn't. It was really painful. She never said "I love you" anymore and that really made me feel underappreciated after I'll I've done. Our visits became more and more scarce. Until, they just didn't happen at all because she would always flake. It would be a miracle if she didn't.
Then back in March-ish, she dumped me. I felt as though life were over. I just sat in bed all day staring into space as if I were in a coma with my eyes open. I would occasionally get up to put on some sad music. It brought some comfort but not much. I felt pretty miserable. I think I can safely say this was one of the few times I used the word "depressed". Then, things made a huge turnaround.
Everysince she has dumped me, I've had women to talk to and date left and right. I lost alot of self-esteem and confidence in the relationship but then seeing as there were these women who wanted to get to know me and give me the time of day really brought it back. I started going out more than I ever have. Nearly every night it was something different with someone different.
I am by nature, a total camera whore. I LOVE taking pictures and posting them. I've posted a few of the pictures with these girls on my Facebook. There's quite a few of them and they're quite the cuties ;) after about two weeks of this, I got a text from my ex.
"maybe I made a mistake.." I got that around 9 AM I was out late and was sleeping in. When I don't answer my texts, she texts me more and more
"let me come back to you :( please.." were one of the many different things that she said. I had hope, I was hoping to get back to where we were. BUT, I was thinking clearly and I took a look at the past few months of the relationship. I was giving 110% and she wasn't even giving me 5% so why would I bother? It would still be the same heartache. I also looked at how I've been feeling now.
I'm alot more happy than I used to. I don't worry about her 24 hours of the day, I'm getting more sleep, I did alot better in school, it made me want to go on my mission that much more, I have *gasp* CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!! So I did what I knew what was right, even if it did hurt to say at the time
"no" is what I told her.
"...why? :(" was the response.
"because. I was treated very poorly when I was with you. I don't deserve that especially after everything I have ever done for you. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you. You flaked on me, barely talked to me, hell we were dating for 9 months, and we've known each other for 3 years and yet, you were too ashamed to introduce me to your parents" I gave her quite the earfull :P
I turned her down and I actually feel pretty good now. For the past three years, I was ALWAYS worried about her. People thought I was just being somber but no, I was concerned about her and worried out of my mind. I feel as though there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have smiled alot more, I feel good about myself, I look in the mirror now and say "you're a good guy" and now, I can pursue women who are more in my interest. Ones who I won't have to babysit, one who won't be ashamed to show me to their parents, ones who will let me know how she feels instead of me having to force it out of her.
So, in looking at this, I realized that this was a huge blessing in disguise. I think God tore me down to build me up higher and it's true, I've grown so much because of it. I'm very happy that me and her are over. So, in the words of the most awesome band Trivium
"and now I see it's you that's tearing me, ensaring me. This is me dying in your arms I cut you out and set me free. You poisoned my life, so I take this knife and I cut you out!"
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Funhouse Mirrors (lyrics)
These are some lyrics I have been writing that I finished today. I am very pleased with them and I'm excited to put music to it. I hope you enjoy
CHORUS
stare into the mirrors
glass distorted & twisted
face shaped by your peers
believing what's insisted
slipping into iniquity
aberration is all you see
lost what's left of you
lost sight of what is true
VERSE1
chained in this place
forever trapped in this hall
surrounded by reflections
heeding the siren's call
they shout untruthful prevarication
spouting their mandacious lies
letting ill tidings sink in
you fall, screaming agonizing cries
PRE-CHORUS
this prison...is has
mirrors...mirrors like a funhouse
this image, this face
it's not...
oh God...it's not me!!!
VERSE2
looking into that face
gaze at that reflection
that face of horror
this face, my infection
they laugh and they yell
scream until my ears bleed
their voices, resemble hell
and bring me to my knees
BRIDGE
I need to break
break free of here
break the glass
SHATTER IT!
stare into the mirrors
glass distorted & twisted
face shaped by your peers
believing what's insisted
slipping into iniquity
aberration is all you see
lost what's left of you
lost sight of what is true
VERSE1
chained in this place
forever trapped in this hall
surrounded by reflections
heeding the siren's call
they shout untruthful prevarication
spouting their mandacious lies
letting ill tidings sink in
you fall, screaming agonizing cries
PRE-CHORUS
this prison...is has
mirrors...mirrors like a funhouse
this image, this face
it's not...
oh God...it's not me!!!
VERSE2
looking into that face
gaze at that reflection
that face of horror
this face, my infection
they laugh and they yell
scream until my ears bleed
their voices, resemble hell
and bring me to my knees
BRIDGE
I need to break
break free of here
break the glass
SHATTER IT!
This is what the lyrics are. The structure I have in my head is different. If you dig em' let me know :D
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