Well... this Sunday was sure an enlightening one. I was thinking about missing again because I have been in an emotional funk lately due to alot of different crap. I recieved a phone call though from the Bishop's assistant... The bishop wanted to speak with me
So I went. I enjoyed it and I felt really good. My appointment with the Bishop was at 3 P.M. so I attended sacrament and Sunday school. I had no clue what my meeting was about so I kept asking questions in my head.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Has he noticed my absence in church?"
"Is he going to ask me about my recent break-up?"
I couldn't find any plausable answers to any of these questions so I was still shrouded in mystery. Still, I walked to the office and he invited me in....and now my life is making a HUGE turn.
I'm going to be serving a mission. We start working on the papers in August and I'm already saving up funds to do what I can. I made the decision when I was 17 that I would think about it. At around January 2009, I made the decision to go but I've always said I wasn't good enough. That God needed someone better to serve than me. I've done some bad things that I've repented of but, I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't feel I deserve it.
I guess the big man sees it differently. I never thought I would actually serve a mission. I never thought I could be worthy enough and my heavenly father would let me. But, it's true. This is an overwhelming experience. I feel so many different emotions it's just mind boggling. I feel happiness, anxiety, fear, excitement. I want to go, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm ready to leave the real world behind for two years.
This is big, this is HUGE! They say you become the person you're meant to be out there. I hope that's true. I want to look in the mirror and say "dude, you're a good guy". Don't get me wrong, I do like myself but I also can't bury the hatchet with my past mistakes. I'm hoping I can let that go and let myself be malleable enough to become molded into a more mature person. Nobody takes me seriously because I'm 19 so who knows? Maybe this will change their perspective :P
It's time for me to start working harder, praying more, studying more, hating less, loving more. I need to become what I'm meant to be. The worthy, unshakable, witnessing me so I can serve at all times, in all things, and all places.
Look out world! Here comes the future Elder Johnson!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
She returns to the ocean...
I wonder why whenever I get close to anybody, they leave. Am I cursed? Am I destined to lose everything I hold dear just as Psalm did? If I am, it's a cruel joke. It's not funny and I sure as hell am not laughing with life at this point. Let me elaborate.
There is a friend of mine who I've grown close to in the past 3 weeks. She has been there for me even before that and when I was dumped, I became even more attached. I consider her one of my closest friends that I trust fully and know who I can always turn to. She has left a great impression on me from how caring she has been. She's a diamond in the rough for sure.
So in the past few weeks, we've come to known each other more and she has spent the night a few times. They have been such enjoyable nights that they keep playing over and over like a song stuck on repeat or a scene in a movie you keep rewinding to. They are just magical nights. We play video games, watch old Disney movies and just talk. We like to cuddle, hold each other. We look like a couple would look. Her touch just drives me nuts. The way she plays with my hair, caresses my cheek, how she lays on my chest with her arms wrapped around me, her steady calm breathing, it's enough to make the hardest rock go soft.
Now, she told me she's moving back to San Diego...... now what? I tried really hard to not develop any sort of feelings for her. Friendship or otherwise. I couldn't help it though. She is such a great person to be around that I was just naturally reeled in by her. Now it's just....goodbye? I feel like my world is ending. Here comes this fantastic person who has repaired that deep cut that my ex left and built me back to confidence and now she is going to be gone from my life. Sure I can still call/text and look at her pictures on Facebook, but what am I going to do when I want someone to hold me, play with my hair, and just be there for me? Who will I turn to?....
You don't find people like her everyday. Someone who makes you feel more confident about yourself, one who you are comfortable with being yourself completely around, one you share deep conversations with, one who is there for you when you break down, one who is willing to talk to you and even visit you at 4 AM when you've had a horrible day and just want to drown in whiskey, one you feel happy with...
Who am I to beg her to stay? That's where she feels at home. "I miss the ocean" she says... I understand that I just can't imagine how unstable I'm going to feel without her. Ugh I sound so pathetic right now! It's not like we were dating or anything. But I do cherish her friendship and the night's we've spent together. She has no clue on how badly I'm going to miss her. Eversince she told me, I've been counting down the days and dreading each one. Praying that there is someway she would change her mind. That seems very highly improbable though. I can't stand the thought of losing a friend like this. I want to tell her how badly I'm going to miss her, how empty I will feel. I don't have the heart to do that though. I don't want to give her a guilt trip.. What am I supposed to do though?..
I found someone like this and now she's leaving me...and she has no clue on how much it hurts to know that she's going to be so far away from me. I know this is sounding like we're a couple breaking up or something but that's not the case, I'm losing a friend. Probably one of the greatest friends I treasure here. I've never had a friend this important to me. Yes, I do have a small handful of companions I hold of high importance but she is on my top 3. She leaves in 5 weeks.... that's not enough time...it's not enough. Why does everything I ever grow to care for just leave me....
There is a friend of mine who I've grown close to in the past 3 weeks. She has been there for me even before that and when I was dumped, I became even more attached. I consider her one of my closest friends that I trust fully and know who I can always turn to. She has left a great impression on me from how caring she has been. She's a diamond in the rough for sure.
So in the past few weeks, we've come to known each other more and she has spent the night a few times. They have been such enjoyable nights that they keep playing over and over like a song stuck on repeat or a scene in a movie you keep rewinding to. They are just magical nights. We play video games, watch old Disney movies and just talk. We like to cuddle, hold each other. We look like a couple would look. Her touch just drives me nuts. The way she plays with my hair, caresses my cheek, how she lays on my chest with her arms wrapped around me, her steady calm breathing, it's enough to make the hardest rock go soft.
Now, she told me she's moving back to San Diego...... now what? I tried really hard to not develop any sort of feelings for her. Friendship or otherwise. I couldn't help it though. She is such a great person to be around that I was just naturally reeled in by her. Now it's just....goodbye? I feel like my world is ending. Here comes this fantastic person who has repaired that deep cut that my ex left and built me back to confidence and now she is going to be gone from my life. Sure I can still call/text and look at her pictures on Facebook, but what am I going to do when I want someone to hold me, play with my hair, and just be there for me? Who will I turn to?....
You don't find people like her everyday. Someone who makes you feel more confident about yourself, one who you are comfortable with being yourself completely around, one you share deep conversations with, one who is there for you when you break down, one who is willing to talk to you and even visit you at 4 AM when you've had a horrible day and just want to drown in whiskey, one you feel happy with...
Who am I to beg her to stay? That's where she feels at home. "I miss the ocean" she says... I understand that I just can't imagine how unstable I'm going to feel without her. Ugh I sound so pathetic right now! It's not like we were dating or anything. But I do cherish her friendship and the night's we've spent together. She has no clue on how badly I'm going to miss her. Eversince she told me, I've been counting down the days and dreading each one. Praying that there is someway she would change her mind. That seems very highly improbable though. I can't stand the thought of losing a friend like this. I want to tell her how badly I'm going to miss her, how empty I will feel. I don't have the heart to do that though. I don't want to give her a guilt trip.. What am I supposed to do though?..
I found someone like this and now she's leaving me...and she has no clue on how much it hurts to know that she's going to be so far away from me. I know this is sounding like we're a couple breaking up or something but that's not the case, I'm losing a friend. Probably one of the greatest friends I treasure here. I've never had a friend this important to me. Yes, I do have a small handful of companions I hold of high importance but she is on my top 3. She leaves in 5 weeks.... that's not enough time...it's not enough. Why does everything I ever grow to care for just leave me....
Friday, May 7, 2010
Writings
I just managed to back up all my poems and stories from Legendfire onto my flash drive. I do enjoy sharing my writing with people and I plan to start posting them on here soon. I really enjoy my Grandpa The Zombie story and I hope you all enjoy reading them soon :)
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