A silver lining

Now most of you know, I was dating a girl for about 9 months. It was my longest relationship I've ever had. If you want to go deep into this, I was dating her longer. We just didn't call it official until August last year. About two months ago, she dumped me. She said it was in my best interest, that she wasn't good for me, it's not you it's me bullcrap. Of course, this being the girl I spent three years of my life on, hell yes I was upset. I was freakin crushed. I was blaming myself for it and I was angry that she just left me because I did ALOT for her!

The list goes on and on with the favors I did

1. Stuck through her when she had cancer........TWICE
2. Got her shampoo to help her hair grow back
3. Put together a diet to get her healthy again
4. Rode that godawful 2.5 hour bus ride out to her city out in BFE and back. (NOTE: and she only returned the favor twice when I went numerous times.)
5. cooked for her (and I'm awful at cooking)
6. Drove her to the Dr.
7. Gave her money when she needed it
8. Gave her clothes to keep her warm
9. Gave her the time of day when nobody else would.

The list goes on and on and on. Yet, she never showed appreciation. Sure the first few months were fantastic. Then, she changed.. She changed for the worst and that girl I fell for ceased to exist. It was rough because I wanted to end it when that happened. I wanted to break it off but I was hoping somewhere inside that hollow shell there would be the girl I once knew. Sadly, there wasn't. It was really painful. She never said "I love you" anymore and that really made me feel underappreciated after I'll I've done. Our visits became more and more scarce. Until, they just didn't happen at all because she would always flake. It would be a miracle if she didn't.

Then back in March-ish, she dumped me. I felt as though life were over. I just sat in bed all day staring into space as if I were in a coma with my eyes open. I would occasionally get up to put on some sad music. It brought some comfort but not much. I felt pretty miserable. I think I can safely say this was one of the few times I used the word "depressed". Then, things made a huge turnaround.

Everysince she has dumped me, I've had women to talk to and date left and right. I lost alot of self-esteem and confidence in the relationship but then seeing as there were these women who wanted to get to know me and give me the time of day really brought it back. I started going out more than I ever have. Nearly every night it was something different with someone different.

I am by nature, a total camera whore. I LOVE taking pictures and posting them. I've posted a few of the pictures with these girls on my Facebook. There's quite a few of them and they're quite the cuties ;) after about two weeks of this, I got a text from my ex.

"maybe I made a mistake.." I got that around 9 AM I was out late and was sleeping in. When I don't answer my texts, she texts me more and more

"let me come back to you :( please.." were one of the many different things that she said. I had hope, I was hoping to get back to where we were. BUT, I was thinking clearly and I took a look at the past few months of the relationship. I was giving 110% and she wasn't even giving me 5% so why would I bother? It would still be the same heartache. I also looked at how I've been feeling now.

I'm alot more happy than I used to. I don't worry about her 24 hours of the day, I'm getting more sleep, I did alot better in school, it made me want to go on my mission that much more, I have *gasp* CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!! So I did what I knew what was right, even if it did hurt to say at the time

"no" is what I told her.

"...why? :(" was the response.

"because. I was treated very poorly when I was with you. I don't deserve that especially after everything I have ever done for you. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you. You flaked on me, barely talked to me, hell we were dating for 9 months, and we've known each other for 3 years and yet, you were too ashamed to introduce me to your parents" I gave her quite the earfull :P

I turned her down and I actually feel pretty good now. For the past three years, I was ALWAYS worried about her. People thought I was just being somber but no, I was concerned about her and worried out of my mind. I feel as though there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have smiled alot more, I feel good about myself, I look in the mirror now and say "you're a good guy" and now, I can pursue women who are more in my interest. Ones who I won't have to babysit, one who won't be ashamed to show me to their parents, ones who will let me know how she feels instead of me having to force it out of her.

So, in looking at this, I realized that this was a huge blessing in disguise. I think God tore me down to build me up higher and it's true, I've grown so much because of it. I'm very happy that me and her are over. So, in the words of the most awesome band Trivium

"and now I see it's you that's tearing me, ensaring me. This is me dying in your arms I cut you out and set me free. You poisoned my life, so I take this knife and I cut you out!"