Yes, I just quoted an Adam Lambert song haha. That's the sentence that keeps circling inside my brain. I'm so confused right now that I can't think straight. I keep asking questions that I didn't think I would ask. Why am I confused you ask? I'll inform you.
I have a close friend of mine. Let's just call her Aly. So me and Aly have known each other for about 6 months. We are really close friends. She was there when my ex-fiancee dumped me and I was in an emotional limbo. She talked to me all the time and got my confidence back and stronger. I did the same for her. We've been there for each other through alot in the small amount of time we've known each other.
I started to develop feelings for her after I was dumped. She just had so many qualities that I like. She's independant, she gives me the time of day, she is willing to come here (where in the past, I was always going out there with previous relationships), she is just a great friend. I told her how I felt and she told me she didn't want anything. I was fine with it because we're really comfortable with each other. I just brushed it off my shoulder and said "no big" and we just went on to being friends. I put my feelings on the back burner and I thought I was fine with where we were....until last night.
She was out with some friends and drinking alittle bit. She started texting me. She was talking about this guy she was interested in. I thought my feelings for her were now in the friend zone but I was mistaken. My jealousy just instantly kicked in. She called me and started talking. I was really somber when I was talking to her. She later asked me in a text
"are you mad at me?"
I wasn't really mad. Just kinda sad I think is the appropriate word. I just texted back
"don't worry. It's nothing :P"
One thing that sucks about her is that she can read me like a book. A children's book. We're talking Dr. Seuss here. I seriously can't hide squat from her. So she called me and she was kinda ticked at me :P I lied. I told her I was upset from other women leading me on. So, she did something she has NEVER done, she drove here drunk to see me.
P.S. I did NOT support this! I told her to stay there but she wouldn't hear it.
She got here around 4 AM. Things got....interesting from there. Before I continue, let's rewind alittle. When I told her how I felt, I also asked how she would feel about us kissing. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable because she thinks that would ruin the friendship. NOW, we're continuing.
She at once got on my bed, pulled me up and started kissing me VERY passionately. I was shocked...very shocked. She told me she didn't want that and here she is pulling me in. After awhile, I realized she was getting frisky and we needed to slow down or else things could get bad.
We started talking and she could tell that I lied. I don't know how the heck she does it but she just knew. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was really lame telling her I was jealous. Regardless, I did.
I was really honest and just cut the BS. I told her.
"I was jealous because you were talking about a guy. I shouldn't be jealous though because we're just friends and that's it. I do have feelings for you but I know you don't want anything but when you were talking about this guy I got jealous."
She asked me why I got jealous and I couldn't answer because I couldn't word it right. She knew exactly how to word it though.
"Are you afraid this guy is going to take your place?"
I nodded.
"He stopped talking to me. Your place is safe"
It made me feel good to know that I wasn't in any danger of losing my stature in her eyes. We kissed again except this time, I made the first move. She was completely ok with it. She kissed me back (don't worry it wasn't intense like when she first started.) and it felt like there was a connection. To me, kisses shouldn't be thrown around like they are today. I think they should be treated like sex. They need to be given to people who actually matter. This was one of those times. It was a more romantic kiss than the earlier one she gave me. It was calm, gentle, passionate.
Today, we talked and I asked her why she kissed me. She didn't have an answer. She hasn't talked to me since I asked that and now I'm confused. Really confused. I think it was the alcohol talking but at the same time, I don't. I used to be involved with drinking in my younger years before I joined the church. There's a saying and it goes like this "drunken words are sober thoughts" so does that go the same for actions? Does she have feelings for me as well? Has she stopped talking because she doesn't want to tell me? I don't know and now I'm stuck in emotional purgatory. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel. It's agonizing. It's like a mosquito bite that keeps itching. You don't want to bother with it because it will get worse but even just leaving it alone it drives you insane just as much as scratching it does.
What does she want from me?
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