So here is the info for my Tumblr account. If I say myself, tumblr is pretty sweet :) so, enjoy
http://colbi-wankenobi.tumblr.com/
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tumblr account
I've noticed that Tumblr is a more popular blog site and that most of my friends are on there as well. So, I am going to open an account on there but fear not, I will post here as well (even though noone gives a damn :P ) so I'll post the info here in a few days
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Stupid Child (lyrics)
DISCLAIMER: This contains language that might be offensive to some
I am a victim of age
always underestimated
always avoided
never taken seriously
I am innocent
I am fucking ignorant
you're so damn cute they say
you're not one of us
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes I have a ninja turtles belt
but I think it's turtley awesome
if I do say so myself
and I have a Donatello belt buckle
to match it as well
....but that's just me
so immature they say
you're still just a child, anyway
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes, I may be young
but age is just a number
so I ask you
why treat me below the others?
I've been bloodied, I've been beaten
physically and emotionally scarred
but considering this young age
I've gone pretty far
I am a victim of age
always underestimated
always avoided
never taken seriously
I am innocent
I am fucking ignorant
you're so damn cute they say
you're not one of us
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes I have a ninja turtles belt
but I think it's turtley awesome
if I do say so myself
and I have a Donatello belt buckle
to match it as well
....but that's just me
so immature they say
you're still just a child, anyway
I'm such a
stupid fucking child
so ignorant
so wild
just a stupid child
so measly
oh so easily
beguiled
yes, I may be young
but age is just a number
so I ask you
why treat me below the others?
I've been bloodied, I've been beaten
physically and emotionally scarred
but considering this young age
I've gone pretty far
Saturday, June 12, 2010
What do you want from me?
Yes, I just quoted an Adam Lambert song haha. That's the sentence that keeps circling inside my brain. I'm so confused right now that I can't think straight. I keep asking questions that I didn't think I would ask. Why am I confused you ask? I'll inform you.
I have a close friend of mine. Let's just call her Aly. So me and Aly have known each other for about 6 months. We are really close friends. She was there when my ex-fiancee dumped me and I was in an emotional limbo. She talked to me all the time and got my confidence back and stronger. I did the same for her. We've been there for each other through alot in the small amount of time we've known each other.
I started to develop feelings for her after I was dumped. She just had so many qualities that I like. She's independant, she gives me the time of day, she is willing to come here (where in the past, I was always going out there with previous relationships), she is just a great friend. I told her how I felt and she told me she didn't want anything. I was fine with it because we're really comfortable with each other. I just brushed it off my shoulder and said "no big" and we just went on to being friends. I put my feelings on the back burner and I thought I was fine with where we were....until last night.
She was out with some friends and drinking alittle bit. She started texting me. She was talking about this guy she was interested in. I thought my feelings for her were now in the friend zone but I was mistaken. My jealousy just instantly kicked in. She called me and started talking. I was really somber when I was talking to her. She later asked me in a text
"are you mad at me?"
I wasn't really mad. Just kinda sad I think is the appropriate word. I just texted back
"don't worry. It's nothing :P"
One thing that sucks about her is that she can read me like a book. A children's book. We're talking Dr. Seuss here. I seriously can't hide squat from her. So she called me and she was kinda ticked at me :P I lied. I told her I was upset from other women leading me on. So, she did something she has NEVER done, she drove here drunk to see me.
P.S. I did NOT support this! I told her to stay there but she wouldn't hear it.
She got here around 4 AM. Things got....interesting from there. Before I continue, let's rewind alittle. When I told her how I felt, I also asked how she would feel about us kissing. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable because she thinks that would ruin the friendship. NOW, we're continuing.
She at once got on my bed, pulled me up and started kissing me VERY passionately. I was shocked...very shocked. She told me she didn't want that and here she is pulling me in. After awhile, I realized she was getting frisky and we needed to slow down or else things could get bad.
We started talking and she could tell that I lied. I don't know how the heck she does it but she just knew. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was really lame telling her I was jealous. Regardless, I did.
I was really honest and just cut the BS. I told her.
"I was jealous because you were talking about a guy. I shouldn't be jealous though because we're just friends and that's it. I do have feelings for you but I know you don't want anything but when you were talking about this guy I got jealous."
She asked me why I got jealous and I couldn't answer because I couldn't word it right. She knew exactly how to word it though.
"Are you afraid this guy is going to take your place?"
I nodded.
"He stopped talking to me. Your place is safe"
It made me feel good to know that I wasn't in any danger of losing my stature in her eyes. We kissed again except this time, I made the first move. She was completely ok with it. She kissed me back (don't worry it wasn't intense like when she first started.) and it felt like there was a connection. To me, kisses shouldn't be thrown around like they are today. I think they should be treated like sex. They need to be given to people who actually matter. This was one of those times. It was a more romantic kiss than the earlier one she gave me. It was calm, gentle, passionate.
Today, we talked and I asked her why she kissed me. She didn't have an answer. She hasn't talked to me since I asked that and now I'm confused. Really confused. I think it was the alcohol talking but at the same time, I don't. I used to be involved with drinking in my younger years before I joined the church. There's a saying and it goes like this "drunken words are sober thoughts" so does that go the same for actions? Does she have feelings for me as well? Has she stopped talking because she doesn't want to tell me? I don't know and now I'm stuck in emotional purgatory. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel. It's agonizing. It's like a mosquito bite that keeps itching. You don't want to bother with it because it will get worse but even just leaving it alone it drives you insane just as much as scratching it does.
What does she want from me?
I have a close friend of mine. Let's just call her Aly. So me and Aly have known each other for about 6 months. We are really close friends. She was there when my ex-fiancee dumped me and I was in an emotional limbo. She talked to me all the time and got my confidence back and stronger. I did the same for her. We've been there for each other through alot in the small amount of time we've known each other.
I started to develop feelings for her after I was dumped. She just had so many qualities that I like. She's independant, she gives me the time of day, she is willing to come here (where in the past, I was always going out there with previous relationships), she is just a great friend. I told her how I felt and she told me she didn't want anything. I was fine with it because we're really comfortable with each other. I just brushed it off my shoulder and said "no big" and we just went on to being friends. I put my feelings on the back burner and I thought I was fine with where we were....until last night.
She was out with some friends and drinking alittle bit. She started texting me. She was talking about this guy she was interested in. I thought my feelings for her were now in the friend zone but I was mistaken. My jealousy just instantly kicked in. She called me and started talking. I was really somber when I was talking to her. She later asked me in a text
"are you mad at me?"
I wasn't really mad. Just kinda sad I think is the appropriate word. I just texted back
"don't worry. It's nothing :P"
One thing that sucks about her is that she can read me like a book. A children's book. We're talking Dr. Seuss here. I seriously can't hide squat from her. So she called me and she was kinda ticked at me :P I lied. I told her I was upset from other women leading me on. So, she did something she has NEVER done, she drove here drunk to see me.
P.S. I did NOT support this! I told her to stay there but she wouldn't hear it.
She got here around 4 AM. Things got....interesting from there. Before I continue, let's rewind alittle. When I told her how I felt, I also asked how she would feel about us kissing. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable because she thinks that would ruin the friendship. NOW, we're continuing.
She at once got on my bed, pulled me up and started kissing me VERY passionately. I was shocked...very shocked. She told me she didn't want that and here she is pulling me in. After awhile, I realized she was getting frisky and we needed to slow down or else things could get bad.
We started talking and she could tell that I lied. I don't know how the heck she does it but she just knew. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was really lame telling her I was jealous. Regardless, I did.
I was really honest and just cut the BS. I told her.
"I was jealous because you were talking about a guy. I shouldn't be jealous though because we're just friends and that's it. I do have feelings for you but I know you don't want anything but when you were talking about this guy I got jealous."
She asked me why I got jealous and I couldn't answer because I couldn't word it right. She knew exactly how to word it though.
"Are you afraid this guy is going to take your place?"
I nodded.
"He stopped talking to me. Your place is safe"
It made me feel good to know that I wasn't in any danger of losing my stature in her eyes. We kissed again except this time, I made the first move. She was completely ok with it. She kissed me back (don't worry it wasn't intense like when she first started.) and it felt like there was a connection. To me, kisses shouldn't be thrown around like they are today. I think they should be treated like sex. They need to be given to people who actually matter. This was one of those times. It was a more romantic kiss than the earlier one she gave me. It was calm, gentle, passionate.
Today, we talked and I asked her why she kissed me. She didn't have an answer. She hasn't talked to me since I asked that and now I'm confused. Really confused. I think it was the alcohol talking but at the same time, I don't. I used to be involved with drinking in my younger years before I joined the church. There's a saying and it goes like this "drunken words are sober thoughts" so does that go the same for actions? Does she have feelings for me as well? Has she stopped talking because she doesn't want to tell me? I don't know and now I'm stuck in emotional purgatory. I'm confused. I don't know how I feel. It's agonizing. It's like a mosquito bite that keeps itching. You don't want to bother with it because it will get worse but even just leaving it alone it drives you insane just as much as scratching it does.
What does she want from me?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Just a little rant..
People do this to me all the time and to be honest, it drives me up a damn wall! What is it you ask? I hate hate HATE when people treat me like a kid just because I'm 19. I understand, yes I am young but have you really got to know me? Have you asked me what I've had to deal with? Have you heard the stories about what I did when I was younger? NO you haven't.
It drives me completely nuts when people say stuff like "oh, you're just a kid" or "you're young, you wouldn't understand". It makes me want to punch them in the nose. It's total BS that I get treated like I'm inferior and stupid just because of my age. Age is just a number it doesn't tell you anything about a person or what their maturity is like.
Yes, I am really hyperactive and have alot of energy. Yes, I have ADHD and that may come off as childish. Yes, I still enjoy childhood nostalgia like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Toy Story but does that mean I'm a child? I don't know, why don't you ASK ME ABOUT IT?!
I think people need to ask me what I've had to go through in my life before they just assume I'm a naive child who doesn't know jack shit and is ignorant in the ways of the world because I can guarantee you that I am not. and don't you DARE call me stupid from it. Considering my academic achievements, hell no I'm not stupid. So don't pin that on me just because of a number.
Rant over. Go die
It drives me completely nuts when people say stuff like "oh, you're just a kid" or "you're young, you wouldn't understand". It makes me want to punch them in the nose. It's total BS that I get treated like I'm inferior and stupid just because of my age. Age is just a number it doesn't tell you anything about a person or what their maturity is like.
Yes, I am really hyperactive and have alot of energy. Yes, I have ADHD and that may come off as childish. Yes, I still enjoy childhood nostalgia like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Toy Story but does that mean I'm a child? I don't know, why don't you ASK ME ABOUT IT?!
I think people need to ask me what I've had to go through in my life before they just assume I'm a naive child who doesn't know jack shit and is ignorant in the ways of the world because I can guarantee you that I am not. and don't you DARE call me stupid from it. Considering my academic achievements, hell no I'm not stupid. So don't pin that on me just because of a number.
Rant over. Go die
Sunday, June 6, 2010
A silver lining
Now most of you know, I was dating a girl for about 9 months. It was my longest relationship I've ever had. If you want to go deep into this, I was dating her longer. We just didn't call it official until August last year. About two months ago, she dumped me. She said it was in my best interest, that she wasn't good for me, it's not you it's me bullcrap. Of course, this being the girl I spent three years of my life on, hell yes I was upset. I was freakin crushed. I was blaming myself for it and I was angry that she just left me because I did ALOT for her!
The list goes on and on with the favors I did
The list goes on and on and on. Yet, she never showed appreciation. Sure the first few months were fantastic. Then, she changed.. She changed for the worst and that girl I fell for ceased to exist. It was rough because I wanted to end it when that happened. I wanted to break it off but I was hoping somewhere inside that hollow shell there would be the girl I once knew. Sadly, there wasn't. It was really painful. She never said "I love you" anymore and that really made me feel underappreciated after I'll I've done. Our visits became more and more scarce. Until, they just didn't happen at all because she would always flake. It would be a miracle if she didn't.
Then back in March-ish, she dumped me. I felt as though life were over. I just sat in bed all day staring into space as if I were in a coma with my eyes open. I would occasionally get up to put on some sad music. It brought some comfort but not much. I felt pretty miserable. I think I can safely say this was one of the few times I used the word "depressed". Then, things made a huge turnaround.
Everysince she has dumped me, I've had women to talk to and date left and right. I lost alot of self-esteem and confidence in the relationship but then seeing as there were these women who wanted to get to know me and give me the time of day really brought it back. I started going out more than I ever have. Nearly every night it was something different with someone different.
I am by nature, a total camera whore. I LOVE taking pictures and posting them. I've posted a few of the pictures with these girls on my Facebook. There's quite a few of them and they're quite the cuties ;) after about two weeks of this, I got a text from my ex.
"maybe I made a mistake.." I got that around 9 AM I was out late and was sleeping in. When I don't answer my texts, she texts me more and more
"let me come back to you :( please.." were one of the many different things that she said. I had hope, I was hoping to get back to where we were. BUT, I was thinking clearly and I took a look at the past few months of the relationship. I was giving 110% and she wasn't even giving me 5% so why would I bother? It would still be the same heartache. I also looked at how I've been feeling now.
I'm alot more happy than I used to. I don't worry about her 24 hours of the day, I'm getting more sleep, I did alot better in school, it made me want to go on my mission that much more, I have *gasp* CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!! So I did what I knew what was right, even if it did hurt to say at the time
"no" is what I told her.
"...why? :(" was the response.
"because. I was treated very poorly when I was with you. I don't deserve that especially after everything I have ever done for you. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you. You flaked on me, barely talked to me, hell we were dating for 9 months, and we've known each other for 3 years and yet, you were too ashamed to introduce me to your parents" I gave her quite the earfull :P
I turned her down and I actually feel pretty good now. For the past three years, I was ALWAYS worried about her. People thought I was just being somber but no, I was concerned about her and worried out of my mind. I feel as though there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have smiled alot more, I feel good about myself, I look in the mirror now and say "you're a good guy" and now, I can pursue women who are more in my interest. Ones who I won't have to babysit, one who won't be ashamed to show me to their parents, ones who will let me know how she feels instead of me having to force it out of her.
So, in looking at this, I realized that this was a huge blessing in disguise. I think God tore me down to build me up higher and it's true, I've grown so much because of it. I'm very happy that me and her are over. So, in the words of the most awesome band Trivium
"and now I see it's you that's tearing me, ensaring me. This is me dying in your arms I cut you out and set me free. You poisoned my life, so I take this knife and I cut you out!"
The list goes on and on with the favors I did
- Stuck through her when she had cancer........TWICE
- Got her shampoo to help her hair grow back
- Put together a diet to get her healthy again
- Rode that godawful 2.5 hour bus ride out to her city out in BFE and back. (NOTE: and she only returned the favor twice when I went numerous times.)
- cooked for her (and I'm awful at cooking)
- Drove her to the Dr.
- Gave her money when she needed it
- Gave her clothes to keep her warm
- Gave her the time of day when nobody else would.
The list goes on and on and on. Yet, she never showed appreciation. Sure the first few months were fantastic. Then, she changed.. She changed for the worst and that girl I fell for ceased to exist. It was rough because I wanted to end it when that happened. I wanted to break it off but I was hoping somewhere inside that hollow shell there would be the girl I once knew. Sadly, there wasn't. It was really painful. She never said "I love you" anymore and that really made me feel underappreciated after I'll I've done. Our visits became more and more scarce. Until, they just didn't happen at all because she would always flake. It would be a miracle if she didn't.
Then back in March-ish, she dumped me. I felt as though life were over. I just sat in bed all day staring into space as if I were in a coma with my eyes open. I would occasionally get up to put on some sad music. It brought some comfort but not much. I felt pretty miserable. I think I can safely say this was one of the few times I used the word "depressed". Then, things made a huge turnaround.
Everysince she has dumped me, I've had women to talk to and date left and right. I lost alot of self-esteem and confidence in the relationship but then seeing as there were these women who wanted to get to know me and give me the time of day really brought it back. I started going out more than I ever have. Nearly every night it was something different with someone different.
I am by nature, a total camera whore. I LOVE taking pictures and posting them. I've posted a few of the pictures with these girls on my Facebook. There's quite a few of them and they're quite the cuties ;) after about two weeks of this, I got a text from my ex.
"maybe I made a mistake.." I got that around 9 AM I was out late and was sleeping in. When I don't answer my texts, she texts me more and more
"let me come back to you :( please.." were one of the many different things that she said. I had hope, I was hoping to get back to where we were. BUT, I was thinking clearly and I took a look at the past few months of the relationship. I was giving 110% and she wasn't even giving me 5% so why would I bother? It would still be the same heartache. I also looked at how I've been feeling now.
I'm alot more happy than I used to. I don't worry about her 24 hours of the day, I'm getting more sleep, I did alot better in school, it made me want to go on my mission that much more, I have *gasp* CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM!! So I did what I knew what was right, even if it did hurt to say at the time
"no" is what I told her.
"...why? :(" was the response.
"because. I was treated very poorly when I was with you. I don't deserve that especially after everything I have ever done for you. You made me feel like I didn't even exist to you. You flaked on me, barely talked to me, hell we were dating for 9 months, and we've known each other for 3 years and yet, you were too ashamed to introduce me to your parents" I gave her quite the earfull :P
I turned her down and I actually feel pretty good now. For the past three years, I was ALWAYS worried about her. People thought I was just being somber but no, I was concerned about her and worried out of my mind. I feel as though there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have smiled alot more, I feel good about myself, I look in the mirror now and say "you're a good guy" and now, I can pursue women who are more in my interest. Ones who I won't have to babysit, one who won't be ashamed to show me to their parents, ones who will let me know how she feels instead of me having to force it out of her.
So, in looking at this, I realized that this was a huge blessing in disguise. I think God tore me down to build me up higher and it's true, I've grown so much because of it. I'm very happy that me and her are over. So, in the words of the most awesome band Trivium
"and now I see it's you that's tearing me, ensaring me. This is me dying in your arms I cut you out and set me free. You poisoned my life, so I take this knife and I cut you out!"
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Funhouse Mirrors (lyrics)
These are some lyrics I have been writing that I finished today. I am very pleased with them and I'm excited to put music to it. I hope you enjoy
CHORUS
stare into the mirrors
glass distorted & twisted
face shaped by your peers
believing what's insisted
slipping into iniquity
aberration is all you see
lost what's left of you
lost sight of what is true
VERSE1
chained in this place
forever trapped in this hall
surrounded by reflections
heeding the siren's call
they shout untruthful prevarication
spouting their mandacious lies
letting ill tidings sink in
you fall, screaming agonizing cries
PRE-CHORUS
this prison...is has
mirrors...mirrors like a funhouse
this image, this face
it's not...
oh God...it's not me!!!
VERSE2
looking into that face
gaze at that reflection
that face of horror
this face, my infection
they laugh and they yell
scream until my ears bleed
their voices, resemble hell
and bring me to my knees
BRIDGE
I need to break
break free of here
break the glass
SHATTER IT!
stare into the mirrors
glass distorted & twisted
face shaped by your peers
believing what's insisted
slipping into iniquity
aberration is all you see
lost what's left of you
lost sight of what is true
VERSE1
chained in this place
forever trapped in this hall
surrounded by reflections
heeding the siren's call
they shout untruthful prevarication
spouting their mandacious lies
letting ill tidings sink in
you fall, screaming agonizing cries
PRE-CHORUS
this prison...is has
mirrors...mirrors like a funhouse
this image, this face
it's not...
oh God...it's not me!!!
VERSE2
looking into that face
gaze at that reflection
that face of horror
this face, my infection
they laugh and they yell
scream until my ears bleed
their voices, resemble hell
and bring me to my knees
BRIDGE
I need to break
break free of here
break the glass
SHATTER IT!
This is what the lyrics are. The structure I have in my head is different. If you dig em' let me know :D
Thank Odin for the 80's!
So this has got to be one of my most interesting stories I've yet to tell. So around 1 AM-ish, my roommate Alex comes home and says to me
"I'm hungry. Hey Colby, want to get some Beto's?"
I replied yes and I got my shoes on and we got into the car. Alex was alittle nervous because he didn't have insurance on his car. I told him that he shouldn't worry because unless there is something else wrong with your car, they won't check.
Boy was I wrong :P
Anyways, we get to Beto's, and I notice there is an officer in the parking lot across the street looking in our direction. Me and Alex were both nervous. We just played it cool, got our food and went on our way. When we pulled out, so did he. Alex says
"..........shit"
and I feel like the biggest idiot because I told him
he would be alright. The cop pulls us over. He said it was because we had a broken headlight. The cop also said Alex didn't have insurance on his plates. So, he did the usual, ask for license and registration yada yada etc. Alex pulls out his wallet and the officer exclaims in a very ecstatic manner
"I LOVE the wallet! It's like straight out of the 80's!"
and I pondered to myself "maybe I can earn this guy's approval" so I said in
a very friendly manner to the officer
"HEY! Want to see something even MORE awesome from the 80's!?"
He replied yes. I unbuckled my seat belt and I proudly showed off my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles belt. Needless to say, he loved it.
So where am I getting at? Well, the officer let us go :D and I honestly think it's because of my Ninja Turtles belt.
So, in the famous words of those heroes in a half shell we grew up with
COWABUNGA!!!
"I'm hungry. Hey Colby, want to get some Beto's?"
I replied yes and I got my shoes on and we got into the car. Alex was alittle nervous because he didn't have insurance on his car. I told him that he shouldn't worry because unless there is something else wrong with your car, they won't check.
Boy was I wrong :P
Anyways, we get to Beto's, and I notice there is an officer in the parking lot across the street looking in our direction. Me and Alex were both nervous. We just played it cool, got our food and went on our way. When we pulled out, so did he. Alex says
"..........shit"
and I feel like the biggest idiot because I told him
he would be alright. The cop pulls us over. He said it was because we had a broken headlight. The cop also said Alex didn't have insurance on his plates. So, he did the usual, ask for license and registration yada yada etc. Alex pulls out his wallet and the officer exclaims in a very ecstatic manner
"I LOVE the wallet! It's like straight out of the 80's!"
and I pondered to myself "maybe I can earn this guy's approval" so I said in
a very friendly manner to the officer"HEY! Want to see something even MORE awesome from the 80's!?"
He replied yes. I unbuckled my seat belt and I proudly showed off my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles belt. Needless to say, he loved it.
So where am I getting at? Well, the officer let us go :D and I honestly think it's because of my Ninja Turtles belt.
So, in the famous words of those heroes in a half shell we grew up with
COWABUNGA!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Life as I know it...
Well... this Sunday was sure an enlightening one. I was thinking about missing again because I have been in an emotional funk lately due to alot of different crap. I recieved a phone call though from the Bishop's assistant... The bishop wanted to speak with me
So I went. I enjoyed it and I felt really good. My appointment with the Bishop was at 3 P.M. so I attended sacrament and Sunday school. I had no clue what my meeting was about so I kept asking questions in my head.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Has he noticed my absence in church?"
"Is he going to ask me about my recent break-up?"
I couldn't find any plausable answers to any of these questions so I was still shrouded in mystery. Still, I walked to the office and he invited me in....and now my life is making a HUGE turn.
I'm going to be serving a mission. We start working on the papers in August and I'm already saving up funds to do what I can. I made the decision when I was 17 that I would think about it. At around January 2009, I made the decision to go but I've always said I wasn't good enough. That God needed someone better to serve than me. I've done some bad things that I've repented of but, I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't feel I deserve it.
I guess the big man sees it differently. I never thought I would actually serve a mission. I never thought I could be worthy enough and my heavenly father would let me. But, it's true. This is an overwhelming experience. I feel so many different emotions it's just mind boggling. I feel happiness, anxiety, fear, excitement. I want to go, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm ready to leave the real world behind for two years.
This is big, this is HUGE! They say you become the person you're meant to be out there. I hope that's true. I want to look in the mirror and say "dude, you're a good guy". Don't get me wrong, I do like myself but I also can't bury the hatchet with my past mistakes. I'm hoping I can let that go and let myself be malleable enough to become molded into a more mature person. Nobody takes me seriously because I'm 19 so who knows? Maybe this will change their perspective :P
It's time for me to start working harder, praying more, studying more, hating less, loving more. I need to become what I'm meant to be. The worthy, unshakable, witnessing me so I can serve at all times, in all things, and all places.
Look out world! Here comes the future Elder Johnson!
So I went. I enjoyed it and I felt really good. My appointment with the Bishop was at 3 P.M. so I attended sacrament and Sunday school. I had no clue what my meeting was about so I kept asking questions in my head.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Has he noticed my absence in church?"
"Is he going to ask me about my recent break-up?"
I couldn't find any plausable answers to any of these questions so I was still shrouded in mystery. Still, I walked to the office and he invited me in....and now my life is making a HUGE turn.
I'm going to be serving a mission. We start working on the papers in August and I'm already saving up funds to do what I can. I made the decision when I was 17 that I would think about it. At around January 2009, I made the decision to go but I've always said I wasn't good enough. That God needed someone better to serve than me. I've done some bad things that I've repented of but, I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't feel I deserve it.
I guess the big man sees it differently. I never thought I would actually serve a mission. I never thought I could be worthy enough and my heavenly father would let me. But, it's true. This is an overwhelming experience. I feel so many different emotions it's just mind boggling. I feel happiness, anxiety, fear, excitement. I want to go, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm ready to leave the real world behind for two years.
This is big, this is HUGE! They say you become the person you're meant to be out there. I hope that's true. I want to look in the mirror and say "dude, you're a good guy". Don't get me wrong, I do like myself but I also can't bury the hatchet with my past mistakes. I'm hoping I can let that go and let myself be malleable enough to become molded into a more mature person. Nobody takes me seriously because I'm 19 so who knows? Maybe this will change their perspective :P
It's time for me to start working harder, praying more, studying more, hating less, loving more. I need to become what I'm meant to be. The worthy, unshakable, witnessing me so I can serve at all times, in all things, and all places.
Look out world! Here comes the future Elder Johnson!
Monday, May 10, 2010
She returns to the ocean...
I wonder why whenever I get close to anybody, they leave. Am I cursed? Am I destined to lose everything I hold dear just as Psalm did? If I am, it's a cruel joke. It's not funny and I sure as hell am not laughing with life at this point. Let me elaborate.
There is a friend of mine who I've grown close to in the past 3 weeks. She has been there for me even before that and when I was dumped, I became even more attached. I consider her one of my closest friends that I trust fully and know who I can always turn to. She has left a great impression on me from how caring she has been. She's a diamond in the rough for sure.
So in the past few weeks, we've come to known each other more and she has spent the night a few times. They have been such enjoyable nights that they keep playing over and over like a song stuck on repeat or a scene in a movie you keep rewinding to. They are just magical nights. We play video games, watch old Disney movies and just talk. We like to cuddle, hold each other. We look like a couple would look. Her touch just drives me nuts. The way she plays with my hair, caresses my cheek, how she lays on my chest with her arms wrapped around me, her steady calm breathing, it's enough to make the hardest rock go soft.
Now, she told me she's moving back to San Diego...... now what? I tried really hard to not develop any sort of feelings for her. Friendship or otherwise. I couldn't help it though. She is such a great person to be around that I was just naturally reeled in by her. Now it's just....goodbye? I feel like my world is ending. Here comes this fantastic person who has repaired that deep cut that my ex left and built me back to confidence and now she is going to be gone from my life. Sure I can still call/text and look at her pictures on Facebook, but what am I going to do when I want someone to hold me, play with my hair, and just be there for me? Who will I turn to?....
You don't find people like her everyday. Someone who makes you feel more confident about yourself, one who you are comfortable with being yourself completely around, one you share deep conversations with, one who is there for you when you break down, one who is willing to talk to you and even visit you at 4 AM when you've had a horrible day and just want to drown in whiskey, one you feel happy with...
Who am I to beg her to stay? That's where she feels at home. "I miss the ocean" she says... I understand that I just can't imagine how unstable I'm going to feel without her. Ugh I sound so pathetic right now! It's not like we were dating or anything. But I do cherish her friendship and the night's we've spent together. She has no clue on how badly I'm going to miss her. Eversince she told me, I've been counting down the days and dreading each one. Praying that there is someway she would change her mind. That seems very highly improbable though. I can't stand the thought of losing a friend like this. I want to tell her how badly I'm going to miss her, how empty I will feel. I don't have the heart to do that though. I don't want to give her a guilt trip.. What am I supposed to do though?..
I found someone like this and now she's leaving me...and she has no clue on how much it hurts to know that she's going to be so far away from me. I know this is sounding like we're a couple breaking up or something but that's not the case, I'm losing a friend. Probably one of the greatest friends I treasure here. I've never had a friend this important to me. Yes, I do have a small handful of companions I hold of high importance but she is on my top 3. She leaves in 5 weeks.... that's not enough time...it's not enough. Why does everything I ever grow to care for just leave me....
There is a friend of mine who I've grown close to in the past 3 weeks. She has been there for me even before that and when I was dumped, I became even more attached. I consider her one of my closest friends that I trust fully and know who I can always turn to. She has left a great impression on me from how caring she has been. She's a diamond in the rough for sure.
So in the past few weeks, we've come to known each other more and she has spent the night a few times. They have been such enjoyable nights that they keep playing over and over like a song stuck on repeat or a scene in a movie you keep rewinding to. They are just magical nights. We play video games, watch old Disney movies and just talk. We like to cuddle, hold each other. We look like a couple would look. Her touch just drives me nuts. The way she plays with my hair, caresses my cheek, how she lays on my chest with her arms wrapped around me, her steady calm breathing, it's enough to make the hardest rock go soft.
Now, she told me she's moving back to San Diego...... now what? I tried really hard to not develop any sort of feelings for her. Friendship or otherwise. I couldn't help it though. She is such a great person to be around that I was just naturally reeled in by her. Now it's just....goodbye? I feel like my world is ending. Here comes this fantastic person who has repaired that deep cut that my ex left and built me back to confidence and now she is going to be gone from my life. Sure I can still call/text and look at her pictures on Facebook, but what am I going to do when I want someone to hold me, play with my hair, and just be there for me? Who will I turn to?....
You don't find people like her everyday. Someone who makes you feel more confident about yourself, one who you are comfortable with being yourself completely around, one you share deep conversations with, one who is there for you when you break down, one who is willing to talk to you and even visit you at 4 AM when you've had a horrible day and just want to drown in whiskey, one you feel happy with...
Who am I to beg her to stay? That's where she feels at home. "I miss the ocean" she says... I understand that I just can't imagine how unstable I'm going to feel without her. Ugh I sound so pathetic right now! It's not like we were dating or anything. But I do cherish her friendship and the night's we've spent together. She has no clue on how badly I'm going to miss her. Eversince she told me, I've been counting down the days and dreading each one. Praying that there is someway she would change her mind. That seems very highly improbable though. I can't stand the thought of losing a friend like this. I want to tell her how badly I'm going to miss her, how empty I will feel. I don't have the heart to do that though. I don't want to give her a guilt trip.. What am I supposed to do though?..
I found someone like this and now she's leaving me...and she has no clue on how much it hurts to know that she's going to be so far away from me. I know this is sounding like we're a couple breaking up or something but that's not the case, I'm losing a friend. Probably one of the greatest friends I treasure here. I've never had a friend this important to me. Yes, I do have a small handful of companions I hold of high importance but she is on my top 3. She leaves in 5 weeks.... that's not enough time...it's not enough. Why does everything I ever grow to care for just leave me....
Friday, May 7, 2010
Writings
I just managed to back up all my poems and stories from Legendfire onto my flash drive. I do enjoy sharing my writing with people and I plan to start posting them on here soon. I really enjoy my Grandpa The Zombie story and I hope you all enjoy reading them soon :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Return!
So I was pretty absent for all of March. If you were curious, this is what happened. I got kicked out of my old apartment. For selfish reasons too. It's ok though. I'm living with some really close friends of mine and I have a feeling I've been missing for a long time. That feeling of home. Where when you walk into your room and you just say "ahhhh home again home again jiggity-jig" I've missed that feeling for so long. It's been years since I got that feeling of security and love. Now I can say this and feel good "I'm home :)"
Monday, March 1, 2010
Hmmm road trip for my 20th?
So I was checking out Slayer's tourdates w/ Megadeth across the US and of course, no UT dates. WHAT THE HELL!? Why don't the really great bands ever come here? It's annoying. Road trips aren't cheap ya know. Sheesh anyways, I'm thinking about organizing a road trip to go see them in Denver. ON MY BIRTHDAY! Chyeah wouldn't that be sweet? Seeing Megadeth and Slayer on my 20th. I already got the price figured out . It would be around 700$ to do this (because I plan to get the VIP package). Sadly, I don't know anyone else who will go. That would make things easier for driving and all that. Hopefully I can work this out.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Yes, doubt me
One thing people have a knack for is doubting their friends it seems. It's kinda sad ain't it? Weren't friends supposed to support you instead of bring you down? In today's society it seems that a "good" friend is the one who treats you like dirt, kicks you in the nuts for laughs, and tears you down whenever they can.
Alot of my "friends" don't think I will be able to finish school or go on a mission. It's alittle discouraging but it motivates me more than anything. It gives me reason to prove them wrong and basically say "SUCK IT!!!" because that is what I will do. Show them I can do what they think I can't. I WILL make it. I have a wristband I wear everyday that reads "future missionary" it does NOT come off until I am in the MTC. This I swear.
I've come too far to fail. I'm only 2 months from recieving my diploma from college. The road hasn't been easy but it's been one hell of a fun ride. I've learned so much. Not just academically but spiritually, socially, and of myself. I've grown alot in this past year and a new door is opening in my life. It will take a turn for the better for once. With the job I will have, I will be able to live by myself if I wanted to.
So go ahead, doubt me, tear me down, spit in my face, stab my back, because What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and those of you who have doubted me sure as hell haven't killed me. Though you have attempted it, your attempts were pathetic and it has given me determination. I will make it, just watch.
Colbi-Wan Kenobi OUT!
may the force be with you
Alot of my "friends" don't think I will be able to finish school or go on a mission. It's alittle discouraging but it motivates me more than anything. It gives me reason to prove them wrong and basically say "SUCK IT!!!" because that is what I will do. Show them I can do what they think I can't. I WILL make it. I have a wristband I wear everyday that reads "future missionary" it does NOT come off until I am in the MTC. This I swear.
I've come too far to fail. I'm only 2 months from recieving my diploma from college. The road hasn't been easy but it's been one hell of a fun ride. I've learned so much. Not just academically but spiritually, socially, and of myself. I've grown alot in this past year and a new door is opening in my life. It will take a turn for the better for once. With the job I will have, I will be able to live by myself if I wanted to.
So go ahead, doubt me, tear me down, spit in my face, stab my back, because What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and those of you who have doubted me sure as hell haven't killed me. Though you have attempted it, your attempts were pathetic and it has given me determination. I will make it, just watch.
Colbi-Wan Kenobi OUT!
may the force be with you
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I hate this feeling >:(
Don't you hate that feeling of anxiety, frustration, and worry? I do. I've been feeling it alot lately in the past couple months. Having a roof over my head has been the current problem. I don't want to go into details because it's a long story that I'd rather not bore you all with. I just hate that feeling where you are constantly worried about something going wrong. When you have been through the things I have, you almost always expect it. I think bad luck spirits follow me since my mother is the epitome of bad karma and she was also born on Friday the 13th. Needless to say, I have the luck of Wyle E. Coyote. If I were to cut a hole in a bridge, everything BUT the hole itself would fall. I really hate living in a place where they feel like I'm not trying to contribute and are always trying to find any excuse to kick me out. ALSO I hate hate HATE not having my views and beliefs respected. It has been a constant boulder in my life since I was 13. Just because I have different views doesn't mean I'm stupid or incompetent. I respect other peoples views so why in Odin's name can they not respect me?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Rain (poetry)
I do enjoy writing and this is one of my favorite pieces I wrote and thought you would enjoy it
I see the clouds overhead
I can feel it in the wind
tears from the sky, to be shed
the rain is about to begin
I welcome it with a smile
I hope it stays awhile
The cold drops on my face
the rain, my cares erase
The drops fall so calm
I welcom them, with open arms
the splash on the ground
such a peaceful sound
The rain brings me joy
this feeling,nothing can destroy
I stand in the rain for hours
just enjoying nature's shower
standing there with content eyes
watching the tempest pass by
in the rain, I have not a care
I just look at the sky, and stare
My clothes are cold and wet
but I don't want to go inside, not yet
I want to enjoy the rain
savoring it again and again
I hear noone around me
just the drops surrounding me
it rains until the night
such a pleasant, beautiful sight
the rain has now ceased
clothes are saturated, sky is clear
this storm was such a great release
and the rain removed my fear
now calmly, I wait
when the rain comes again
the feeling is so great
when I just stand..in the rain
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Guten Nacht!
Well I've officially got a blog now. Since nobody cared about my posts on Facebook or Myspace anymore. Anywho, to those reading, I hope you enjoy reading into my interesting life. I assure you, it's not normal. It's strange, weird, kinda nerdy, and sometimes just stupid. You have been WARNED!!!!
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